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As I grew up, it was like being thrown into a series of puzzles. Each one of them was designed to somehow test me. Over time, as I jumped through the weird gaps, I realized the only exit was through action - through fixing, doing and learning. Competence was not just a survival tactic but a necessary creed now.

A child that grew accustomed, jumping up when I scraped my knee
Cause if I cried about it, he’d surely tell me not to be weak

I’ll be quoting a lot from Kendrick Lamar’s Father Time here. It is one of the tracks that is somehow able to explain everything about my archetype perfectly.

Around the age of 15, I noticed that everytime I had a problem, not necessarily mine, however small or big, it spurred a hunger in me. I wanted to tackle it. I would go out of my way to solve things for others even when I had no benefit in doing so. Not to sound “kind” here. Whether it was navigating through projects doing everything on my own even with a team or choosing stairs even when it meant climbing ten floors (literally and figuratively), every hurdle became an invitation to build resilience. Each deliberate choice to endure a bit more discomfort sculpted the idea I had as a goal into one that could handle the worst.

Daddy issues kept me competitive, that’s a fact, <n word>
I don’t give a fuck what’s the narrative, I am that <n word>

This is where I shoot myself in the foot. This unyielding drive to be competent can transform into a double-edged sword. While I carve out a path to navigate, it also isolates me from a more relaxed way of being. Not everyone is wired to relish struggle in the same way. I should learn how to find joy in spotaneity, in the ease of not overanalyzing every step. This all happened when I was talking to someone who’s always somehow changed my very ardent perspective at life very effortlessly. It was when I was told that all of this might actually just be a coping mechanism. AND IT WAS. Never have I ever been hit with a hammer so hard that I just stand there for a good minute.

I now see that the zeal for competence is less about chasing perfection and more about embracing the process of growing through adversity. It’s about finding that delicate balance where pushing oneself does not become a form of self-flagellation, but rather a conscious, intentional choice to improve. It’s recognizing that sometimes, being competent might mean knowing when to take a step back, and that it’s perfectly acceptable to opt for a solution that isn’t the most arduous path.

I stayed outside, laughin’ with my friends, they don’t know my lifе
Daddy issues made me lеarn losses, I don’t take those well
Momma said, “That boy is exhausted,” he said, “Go fuck yourself
If he give up now, that’s gon’ cost him, life’s a bitch
You could be a bitch or step out the margin,” I got up quick
I’m chargin’ baskets and falling backwards, tryna keep balance
Oh, this the part where mental stability meets talent
Oh, this the part, he breaks my humility just for practice
Tactics we learned together, sore losers forever, daddy issues

But I’m still ardent. I’m not changing at all. I’m gonna go back to my workout as I finish writing this. A sore loser forever.