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what happened. that is the question that keeps looping in my head. it has been a gradual shift, but a very obvious one looking back.

the capacity was always there. i remember back in school, balancing two freelance jobs with school itself and prep for JEE. i guess i always had the mindset of pushing myself a bit hard from the start.

i was always hyperfixated on code, ever since i was thirteen or fourteen.

but in the past few years, and especially now, i have become someone with a lot of broad hyperfixation. which does not make sense. i am essentially able to commit so fucking hard to anything. anything i do, i will somehow get absolutely obsessed with it. and that happens for multiple things at once.

there is no specific pattern to what triggers new fixations, as long as it is something not completely arbitrary like art. as long as there is even a slight sense of a pattern, i can do it. i try and go through most of my interests in a single day: work, side projects, working out, linguistics (learning new languages).

the feeling of building and just making something i can look at and say i made it is what drives me. professionally, this is reflected in my addiction to code and work.

a typical day looks something like this: wake up, freshen up, breakfast, build, lunch, build, dinner. obviously, going to university changes things, but in a very broad sense, that is it. nothing else has really taken a backseat because of this. everything else is going good.

i do not feel mentally done either. as long as it is work, i can do it.

i sleep around 4 am. this shit just keeps me up. it is getting so bad my mom has to get up at 5 am to make sure i am not up. the energy is sustained throughout the day. i have some energy lows due to heavy food, but even in those, i can still get work done.

this feels like a result of a lot of introspection. i think about my efficiency quite a lot, which is reflected in my work. i notice that i get up from comfortable settings easily. that is what happens when i want to.

i am not worried about a burnout, as this is so fucking enjoyable. but i do wonder if something will just snap one day. not a tension, but a curiosity to know whether i am ever going to lose this ability.